This is one of my early written stories from some years ago. I know this is not a typical story that a normal person would do but I wrote this just to test my storytelling capability. I wrote this for just within overnight and I know it needs a lot of improvement. Despite that, I did not edit or make any remedies to this story because I want it just the way it is. So for those Minecraft fans or just anyone who has time to waste, this is for you. I hope you enjoy it.
So I woke up in the middle of a field feeling this ghastly pain in my belly. There was grumbling and some thundering inside that felt like something is cooking and boiling.
What did I eat to turn my peaceful innards to go protesting for freedom? There were no words. Better be left unsaid. But I could sense it. It is coming and it is coming hard. I have to find a good iron throne or a hole. Anything will do. Anywhere I could free the bad feeling and the bad painful grumbling that is overwhelming me.
I am a warrior, a hunter and the fiercest fighter of all. Any mob I face I will conquer them but not this time. This time the enemy is within me. It is a part of me yet it is not me. And I need to part with it or fart it if that should happen right now.
I ran as fast as I can with careful and cautious effort not to prematurely unleash the monstrous brown slimy child of my deep dark secret.
And then I heard her, that familiar lovely voice that could melt anything—even my cautiousness. It’s Liza—the girl of my dream.
Suddenly there was a silent burp. It was not from my mouth. It was from down south. It was small but it was felt and it sent a cold shiver from my spine straight all over my body. I just thought, holy mooing cow! Please not now!
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“Over there” I thought I saw some mob over there”, I reluctantly replied.
“Really? Can I come?”
I said no instantly. “It could be dangerous. It could be Endermen mobs”, how am I supposed to get away from her. What are the chances that the one girl you like the most will be the one you see at this lowest point of your life?
“Are you sure?
“Yes, I’m sure. I am a warrior so nothing can go wrong”
“Okay. But be careful alright.”
“I will”, with an awkward step, I made some quick strides to escape from her as fast as I can. “You take care okay”, I made a last gesture before I totally left her.
I ran but after some 15 long yet forced strides something let loosed from my behind. It was loud, angry and wet. Mostly of air but there was also something with it. And I really hope I am far enough from Liza to hear the tragic drop of bomb in my pants.
So I ran even faster up to the hill and into the trees. I never dared to look back. I don’t want to know if she heard it. I know she had not heard it. I want to believe so or else I won’t be able to face her tomorrow.
And as soon as I thought I disappeared from her sight, I found a tree with a hole next to it. I jumped in and took off my pants while still in the air.
So I brought a diamond pickaxe to do some mining and meet Liza afterwards. It was a good day. Pretending that nothing happened yesterday.
Actually, I am so good at pretending I already forgot what happened yesterday.
I finished early because I felt hungry. I did not have enough breakfast earlier so that must be it.
Went to my cabin and had some whatever food that I had stored for the past weeks. Filled my tummy and then went to see Liza.
I’m feeling so good. I thought maybe this time we could have some smoochie on some hill or under the tree. I couldn’t wait.
After a long walk I saw Liza from the distance. And then just as I called her name, there was that grumbling sound again. It was subtle but still threatening. Maybe it was nothing. It couldn’t be. Must be some air just trying to let loose.
Liza heard me and walked in my direction to meet me. I didn’t bother minding the audacious rocking sound that suddenly made its introduction.
Liza met me with the most beautiful smile any girl could make. And as soon as she got close, I reached out to her and she welcomed my hand with her own.
Another grumble. No, it’s nothing.
“So what do we do today?” she asked.
“How about I show you how to kill a spider?” I answered delightfully without minding the imminent event of releasing some chimes. And from the looks of it, she did not hear any of the belch I unleashed yesterday. Good one.
“I’m scared of spiders”
“That is why I am going to show you so you won’t have to be afraid. We could use a bow and arrow from a distance so you will not have to get near it”
“It’s still scary”
“No, don’t be scared. I’m here to protect you. I won’t let anything or anyone hurt you”
With a glad face, she got close to me and held right arm tight. But something happened. I almost let out a whistle from my rear hole. Too close. Luckily, I made it in time to apply force between my cheekies and stopped the whistle from making a noise.
So what do I do?
Maybe if I made some loud nose like smashing something to that tree and then time it with my fart she won’t hear it. Too risky but still could work.
Or perhaps as soon as we saw a mob of some sort maybe I could make a loud yell like “THIS IS SPARTA!!!” and do it in time with my fart, maybe she won’t hear it too. Not to mention that she’ll be focused on the mob and my bravery.
Yes, it could work. That could be the solution. I am so brilliant. I love myself.
“Come on. Let’s go find a spider or any of the zombies and skeleton so I could show you my boldness and bravery.”
So we went on to the woods while her arms wrapped around mine. After some long walks we found a spider and sure enough it is not looking at us. So I told Liza to take a step back and I’ll show her how to deal with spiders.
This is the chance that I have been waiting for.
I took out my bow and arrow and made a pose. And then another. I made sure that Liza sees my sculpted butt while I easily take down the monster. One last pose before I let go of the arrow, the spider turned to us. I felt a sudden rush of adrenalin as I saw how quick the spider was gaining on to us. I had to decide quickly. I arced backwards while my buttocks still maintaining shape and with a sudden swoosh the arrow flew and found its target in the head.
Liza screamed with joy and I felt more like a hero, forgetting the random thunder that is still in my belly.
And then another spider went out from the same horizon where the first spider was spotted. It was fast and had its eyes fixed on us. My courage broke along with my butt-cheeks and a loud skirmish noise echoed in the air.
Liza looked at me in shock and I looked at her in confused horror and shame. Then in my last piece of sanity, I screamed, “Run!”
She made a run for it and I followed. The spider was fast and determined to get to us no matter what.
We need speed, I thought. And then went the rumbling in my tummy. Yes, this is what I need to get an extra speed. Liza will understand. I hope she will.
Out of desperation, I made an attempt to shoot another arrow. Nothing but air. I thought I should give it a go. We might not escape this if I don’t do it.
I inhaled as much air as I can just prepare for that blast of the century. Just as I filled my lungs with air with a second of pause, I let it go.
I felt my feet lifted through the air. I was flying. I grabbed Liza’s shoulder and we blasted off from the place. The spider was left teary eyed and sad. I’m not pretty sure if it was because we left him helpless or was it because of the stench.
Whatever the truth is, we’ll never know.
There was a knock on my door and I found Liza outside. Slightly surprised, I let her in. I lead her inside and made a gesture to make her sit in the nearest chair.
There was an awkward atmosphere between us. And I did not know what to do or say to make it alright. But somehow, I found the courage. After a long silence, I made an effort to break the ice.
“I’m sorry about yesterday.” I started while trying to look her straight in the eyes.
“What are you sorry for?” She asked. Confused.
“I farted our way out and escaped, remember?”
“Oh, that one? Forget it.” She shrugged off the topic.
“You see I have been having this gas problem recently and I don’t know how to stop it”
“You should not try to stop it. It’s a natural thing, you know.”
“Yes I know, but the way this thing is going is not normal anymore. Was it normal that a fart can make us fly?”
“You’re right, that’s not normal anymore. So what do I do?”
“Nothing. You just let it out. You don’t have to be shy in front of me.” Then she made that smile again.
I responded with an even bigger smile and attempted to kiss her.
Then came a sound, “Farrrrrt!”, “Oops! Sorry!” she giggled at me.
Liza just farted. And suddenly I felt my heart jumped like its celebrating for joy then followed by the stench that smelled like an old man’s shoes dipped in poison and dead rat’s decaying body.
I was losing consciousness and then I saw an enderman teleported on her back. I was terrified but the enderman coughed and fell to the ground. It could not take the stench and so the enderman died instantly dropping a pill.
Wow, that was some serious fart. And then my sight faded and I was a goner too.
I woke up and found Liza beside my bed. She looks sad and when she saw me awake she moved closer.
“I’m sorry”, she begged in a sobbing sound. “I thought I lost you out there. We were attacked by an enderman”
“We were?” I could swear that was not what happened. But I don’t want to embarrass her so I just agreed and changed the topic.
We are the same I thought. We are good together. Maybe she’s the one that I have been waiting for all this time.
“Thank you for saving me”, I told her in a sincere manner.
“No, it was nothing. I didn’t really do anything. The enderman just fell down and died. As a matter of fact it left a pill afterwards. Maybe we could use this for some emergency teleportation or something when we get ourselves in danger.”
“Of course, I agree”.
I tried to stand up but the effort proved to be futile. Fortunately, Liza grabbed my hand and helped me get up.
“I have to tell you something” I asked shyly.
“What is it?” sweetly smiling while looking at me.
“Would you be my partner for life?”
She paused and her lips slightly opened looking a lot surprised, “Yes” she said in a rush.
Suddenly, I became more surprised than her. I was so happy I could not contain it any longer. I felt something inside me molded into something heavy that my belly started flatulating in a familiar manner. And intended to halt the coming of moment but the force was so strong there was no way I can make it stop.
Liza widened her eyes with surprise but smiled almost instantly again. She closed her eyes and took a deep long breath while my gaseous love fills the air and then made a sudden pause. She opened her eyes and there it was, like a broken truck tires that fell from heaven, her pants blew up and some dark mists spread through the air. It was horrible and lovely at the same time. What a perfect girl and I was even more certain that she should be mine and I am willing to do anything to make it come true.
I have never smelt anything like it before. It was making me throw up but in a weird and sexy way.
It was making me lose my mind and made my eyes teary. It’s acidic and pungent at the same time I thought I was going to have a faint again.
But I didn’t. I was alright. I think my nose was damaged. Or perhaps I just got immune to the stench. As a matter of fact, the more I inhaled it, the more I found it strangely appealing. So just like she did, I took a long deep breath as well. Made it linger inside my nose and a part of my nostril bled.
It was heaven. I thought I will see angels and everything good in this world. Just like fragrance that burst from her butt-cheek and made everything alright. Like nothing is going to be wrong anymore ever.
She’s the one. I am sure now. I am so certain that I want her to be my wife as soon as possible. I should ask her now. I should not wait any longer. I might lose my nerve and she might change her mind as well. I might not be able to take it if that were to be the case.
“Will you be my wife starting tomorrow?” I asked her with tears still dripping from my eyes. And it’s not even tears of joy or sadness.
“Yes!” she shouted. And then another fart followed. Then everything turned black.
The next day came and I have not gotten a good sleep. In fact, I was hardly asleep at all. I was so excited that I spent the whole night moving back and forth from my bed to the living room and to the kitchen.
Today is the day I am going to marry the love of my life. So I decided to take a bath for this special occasion before I head straight to Liza’s house.
I groomed myself with the finest cloth I have bought from a merchant from a faraway farm. Brushed my hair and my teeth. I even decided to wear a perfume and underwear this time.
After some hours of preparation, I headed out and walked straight to the direction of her house.
As soon as I got to the forest, I saw a mob of zombies were waiting just a few meters away. Was it me that they were waiting?
I couldn’t take any chances, so I decided to change course and took a long detour instead.
I will not let anyone ruin our day.
I took out my diamond pickaxe just in case another mob appears in the horizon.
It took me more hours until it was afternoon already. And with a bad stroke of luck, I found myself trapped in the middle of a spider mob. I was in a panic and lost the focus that I always have.
I can’t lose the woman of my life so I will do everything to get to her today.
I readied my pickaxe and initiated the attack towards one of the spider. A couple of hits and I made it through the trap. But I was far from being safe. So I took out a torch and strategically and swiftly surrounded myself with fire. Close enough, I was almost devoured by this mob but fortunately, they lost interest due to the fire. So as soon as they turned their backs on me, I made a run for my safety and went as far as I can go but still in the direction of Liza’s house.
It was dark and I found myself in a swamp. I felt a bad feeling about the place but still I continued walking.
And out of nowhere, 3 slimes started appearing and were bouncing to where I stood. Tired and restless, I still made myself make a stand. For my future wife, I told myself.
I hit the slimes with all the force that I can muster but I just realized that I was just making it worse. Every time I strike a slime, it multiplies to 2 or 4 which made the situation worse. But still, I made a promised so I fought with every last breath I could give.
As they kept multiplying, I kept fighting. Soon I found that smaller multiplied slimes are easier to kill.
Night time came and I was exhausted. Then I felt my belly started rumbling again. “To hell with it” I told myself.
I walked another 30 minutes and I knew I was getting close. But to my dismay, I stepped on a soft soil and found myself down in the caves. There were 4 zombies in there. And frankly speaking, I was too weak to fight. But I remembered her smile again and I tried one more time. I kept dodging and running around the cave but it seemed that the chase was not about to stop anytime soon. There was no hiding from these zombies.
Suddenly, I remembered about the flight we have had using my fart. If I could do the exact thing I did when I farted and made that flight, I could escape from this cave and fly my way out of this trap.
So I run even more and looked for a timing to get the same method as before. I will fly my way out of here and Liza will be my wife.
I tried to lead the zombies in one place until they were far enough to the hole where I went in. And when I saw the chance, I made a quick run like it was the last run I will ever do. Once near the hole, I took a deep breath, stopped. Clenched my butt and then a powerful thrust broke out that made the whole cave covered in mist and brown sticky matter which seemed to come from my inner soul.
Slowly I ascended to the moonlight. Up, up and away I went.
Finally I will see the love of my life.
And then I saw the outer world. There were the trees and the grass and the hills. I’m safe now.
And then the fart ran out and found myself falling. Good thing it is not back to that cave anymore. But the fall was too high and when I reached the ground, I lost consciousness once again.
I woke up from the direct heat of sunlight on my face. I tried to cover my eyes but the light was too bright for me. I closed my eyes again and waited a couple of minutes to help my eyes adjust to the bright light.
What time is it? It must be afternoon already.
Suddenly I stood up and made my way straight to Liza’s house. It’s near so I will be there in no time. She must be feeling worried sick thinking I abandoned her and did not follow through my proposal.
I was right. She was there at her front door looking outside. Looking at me. And with tearful eyes, she made a run to my direction. I was heart-stricken by the moment so I cried not realizing that I did.
It seemed like everything went slow motion so I decided to take a deep breath and readied for an earth shattering fart no one has ever heard or smell. It’s the kind that when inhaled, loss of control of limb will occur. And the brain will feel like it was being injected with super drugs that it will be left damaged for good.
A short deep pause and then I let go. I let go like there is no more tomorrow left for me. My feet lifted off and finally I was closer to her than I Thought I could ever be.
Her arms are spread and I closed my eyes for that very moment when I open it she will be holding me tight in her bosoms.
She slapped me so hard I momentarily forgotten who I was.
“What did do wrong?” I yelled in a weak heart.
“You did not show up to our wedding! And now you still have the nerve to come here and show your face?” she yelled back at me while crying hard and tears relentlessly stream down her face.
“I’m sorry. I tried to come but a lot of mob met me along the way here”
“Do you expect me to believe that?”
“It’s the truth. I have no reason to lie to you. Can’t you see my clothes? It is torn and dirty. Why do you think is that?”
She paused for a moment and then made a face, “Okay. Let’s assume that it happened, so what kinds of mob you encountered?”
“A lot of them but thankfully there were no endermen. I fought spiders, slimes in the swamp and some zombie.”
“Are you really telling the truth?”
“Yes I am my love”
And with that, her face lit up and stepped closer to take my hands. She held it for a moment and kissed me on the lips. It was the sweetest thing I ever tasted in my entire life. And it was worth the wait.
“So, will you marry me now?” she asked.
“Do you really have to ask?” I smiled sheepishly. “Of course, I will marry you!”
I knelt down in front of her, kissed her right hand and offered her my life and my tomorrow.
She agreed and went to see an official to finally bind us for marriage.
The ceremony was brief and I did not even bother to change clothes. We made our vows and we both had tears in our eyes, but this it is because we are happy. It was more than just happiness. It was true love.
And then we agreed to fly together using the sheer force of our butt-cheeks. We asked the few people that attended our wedding ceremony to keep some distance as the farting ceremony might render them paralyzed or dead.
They gathered in the distance while we got ourselves ready for the fireworks, or in our case, fartworks.
We assumed the position and made everything prepared while we were standing. People anticipated in pure disgust as they were left with no choice but to bear witness of this repulsive choice of event. But at least they were placed in a distance and not able to smell the stench of what was coming their way.
Liza and I faced each other. Filled with admiration, love and oozing with affection. It was glamorous and sickening at the thought. But who cares, we were in love and we have accepted each other through thick, thin, nauseating and even repelling ways.
We looked each other in the eyes. Waiting for the right moment. It had to be perfect. It should be perfect.
We nodded at each other and made the inhaling the signal. Deep breath and pause. Held it for a good 1 minute and with a blast of misty and powdery brown wind that emanated from our underpants, we started lifting off.
Slowly but surely we took off the grassy plain where we stood and made it this far. The grass had instantly died due to toxic wastes that filled the field.
Everyone in the audience gasped and looked in awe for the happening. It was unbelievable with a hope that it would not happen again in their lifetime. They begged the heavens to forbid this to happen again. Some screamed of joy for us. Some vomited with their entire meal being thrown out on all directions.
And there are even some who lost their consciousness or perhaps even died. Yes, the ceremony was magical for us two lovers and equally horrifying for the invited audiences and guests.
But this eventful moment was not for them. It was ours and therefore, it will be ours to enjoy. We will just have to send our condolences for those who died watching the climax of the wedding. I hope the ones that are left will make it to our first anniversary.
Although there were no gifts for us, I cannot ask for anything for because I have everything in the world beside me—my wife, Liza.
The day 7 is censored so I will not be able to publish it because I will not be allowed.